Halloween 2012 (An Alphabet Poem)

Ah, what a beautiful afternoon, Halloween, golden light, just

Before sunset, cat sitting in the window (I had to wake her up

'cuz she was napping, missing out on this gorgeous

Day) and the stinky dog (he rolled in deer poop) completely

Enervated, fast asleep. Today we averted a small catastrophe. I

Found Walter on the porch, hunkered down, he couldn't

Get up, I thought something might be broken, but what

Happened was his choke collar was stuck in the slats of the deck.

I can't figure out how that happened.  He was freaked out,

Justifiably. He'd been there a while and was so hot, panting.

"Keep calm," I assured him, stroking his head. I went inside

Looking for John.  I knew he'd be annoyed, but I hoped he

Might have lock cutters, so we could cut the chain. He said

No, he didn't but he'd see what he could do. I went back out and

Petted Walter's head. I said, "John will help you. Just keep

Quiet."  I had horrible visions of him strangling himself. John

Returned with a screwdriver and a hammer. Under the

Stairs, he found the problem, gave one quick bang and

Ta da! Walter sprang up and rushed to the door

Unharmed. Thank God!  I hate it when I have horrible

Visions of bad things happening. Once you think something

Whether it's good or bad, it seems to become part of your memory,

eXactly like it really happened. I can still hear Walter's little

Yelps, see him pinned there, panicky. I wish I were more

Zen, not re-imagining my dog, dead, strangled, on the sunny deck. 

Election Season

Narrator

Joining us now is APR correspondent Niles Overblown. Niles, tell us the latest on the flip-flopping allegations of congressional incumbent candidate Melanie Squatblatt.

Overblown

Thank you, Jeremy. Last week at a congressional town-hall debate Ms. Squatblatt said she was in favor of farm subsidies for family-owned farms. She said that contrary to what the Supreme Court ruled, '"Corporations are not people. Family farmers are people."  She went on to mention her meeting with the Burnedout family of Dungtown who have been growing asparagus for seventy-five years. Let's listen to what Congresswoman Squatblatt said:

Squattblatt

I grew up on a farm in Poor Me County. I remember milking cows, rain or shine. I remember my mother's red hands and my father's stooped back. Back then we were proud of our muddy truck and out of style clothing.

Now family farmers are being thrown under the bus. Federal subsidies keep afloat Monsanto and Con-Agra while families like the Burnedouts struggle to keep Spam on the table. This must change! We must not abandon our asparagus farmers. We must offer a hand to what I like to call The Backbone of America. We must close loopholes for big corporations so that they crumble like drought-stricken fields.   

Overblown

Today a group calling itself Citizens for Candidate Credibility released a video of Ms. Squattblatt, purported to have been recorded at a family dinner in 1965. Let's hear a clip.

Child's voice

Eeeewww!  That's disgusting. I'm not going eat that.

Adult female voice

You are going to sit there until your plate is empty young lady. I don't work sixteen hours a day so you can turn your nose up at my cooking. Right, father?

Adult male voice

Pass the potatoes.

Child's voice

I hate asparagus. It makes my pee stink. I'm not going to eat it. I don't care if you punish me. I refuse to be abused!

Adult female voice

I just hope that when you have children they make you as miserable as you make me.

Overblown

Citizens for Candidates Credibility sites this as an example of Ms. Squattblatt's flip-flopping. After years of denigrating asparagus she is suddenly supportive of the very people who harvest this niche crop. In order to offer fair and balanced reporting, I have her opponent Martin Notsosmart on the line. Are you there Mr. Notsosmart?

Notsosmart

Yes, Niles, I'm here. It's always a pleasure to talk to you.  Let me say that I have always supported small farmers and still do. I also support companies such as those Ms. Squattblattt impugns, because they employ thousands of hard working Americans. We cannot afford, as a people and a nation, to continue to outsource jobs to China and India where workers live in squalid conditions. It's immoral and adds to our trade deficit.  I say, America for America! Asparagus for all!

Overblown

Thank you, sir. Unfortunately Ms. Squattblatt did not return out calls. For APR this is Niles Overblown.

Narrator

We turn now to the issue of immigration . . .