Letting Go

Here’s how I got Walter out of the car yesterday :  I drove around the neighborhood and when we got back, parked in the street. He jumped right out!

I’m getting antsy for John to return. I feel bad that he’s sleeping (or trying to sleep) on the floor, repacking, cleaning the house, doing business. He says he may have to do laundry in the tub. I should not complain, I have a nice comfy bed, my pets and my big TV to watch.

However, I think I should complain because everyone keeps saying, “You’re doing so well!”  Yes and no. I’m keeping busy, which is different.  When I stop to think that this move is permanent, that I’m not on a trip, I just want to cry. I had such a wonderful life in Coarsegold, from my home life to teaching to friends. Yeah, sure, I was sad when Yoko sold Kyoto Kafe, and I was disgusted when the casino was built. But every single day I’d wake up to that breathtaking view of Shut Eye, peace and quiet and fill my lungs with that delicious California air.

Here, the nights have been cooling off and I want to sleep with the windows open but the neighbors keep their a/c running all night! I want to say something, but the house on one side is unoccupied (the owner will return from Colorado when it gets cold there) and I have not met the people in the other one. Plus, who am I to tell people what to do?  So I close the window.

I think my biggest gripe is that TV shows are on an hour earlier. Once the time changes and it gets dark earlier, it will not seem so strange. I had told John, before we moved, that I wanted to get the NBA league pass, so I could watch my Lakers, but most of the games will start at 9:45 p.m.   I’ll get 28 games on regular TV, so this may be the way I wean myself from my 33-year addiction. Once Kobe retires – or God forbid, gets too old to play well – will I stop being a Laker fan? NO! Right now I’m looking at the cover of Newsweek from Feb 12, 1996 with Magic Johnson “New Hope for Living Longer with HIV”.  I’ll always love Magic.

On the other hand, I remember that when I lived in LA the Oscars were such a big deal.  I went to movies twice a week. Most of my boyfriends had some connection to Hollywood.  Then, when I left LA, I’d watch the show on TV. I even had a party once, where we got all dressed up to watch. But gradually Hollywood movies lost their appeal and now, although I watch the show, I really don’t care who wins.

Ah. Letting go. Sometimes our hands just get too weak to hold on and we have no choice.