Pet owners, if you expect to be swept up in the Rapture tomorrow, I hope that you have found good homes for your pets. If you have not, please do not leave them locked in your house! If you haven’t found homes yet, leave the door unlocked so that they can be rescued. Leave them plenty of food and water.
Wait for Jesus in your front yard, (or on the sidewalk if you live in an apartment building) so that it will be easier to collect your body when your spirit is spirited away.
If you live in a rural area, it might be more practical to just wander off into the woods and let nature take its course. Likewise those who live near the ocean may want to camp on the beach overnight, as close to the shore as possible, so the tide can carry you out to sea.
Consider giving your houseplants to your neighbors. Don’t disconnect your electricity, so sprinkler timers will continue to come on, and food in the freezer will not thaw.
Make sure your house is clean and tidy. It might be a while before anyone comes to claim your house. If you are a renter, notify your landlord so he/she can get your place cleaned up and re-rented by the first of the month. Make sure there’s toilet paper in the bathrooms.
If you own your home outright I hope you have already transferred title to next of kin who aren’t as holy as thou, or given it to your favorite charity. It’s heartwarming to think that all the empty houses left behind may be used to provide shelter for the homeless, or places of safety for battered women, even if you think they deserve their lot.
If you are “upside down” on your house or are locked into a high-interest mortgage, then don’t sweat it. Look how many people have already had to walk away from their homes. Take off the screens and open the windows. There are many raccoons who would find your house way more comfortable than sleeping in a storm drain or hollow tree.
By now I trust you have destroyed any embarrassing evidence of past indiscretions for which you have been forgiven by God, but which your friends and neighbors would find hilarious. Unless you really don’t care what others think, you might also want to shred photographs of you in the 80s with big hair and shoulder pads.
Enjoy heaven, where you can eat as much as you want and never get fat! The rest of us will be along eventually but most likely we will not run into you because as I understand it, heaven is quite huge and just as here on earth, we’ll hang out with those who share our beliefs. Look for me in Cat Corner.
No comments:
Post a Comment