Insurance Shopping

Who knew when you move from California to Texas, your health insurance rates automatically increase?  Is this added to the yearly increase, or an add-on?  At what age will we qualify for Medicare? Should we get a PPO or HSA?  Beware! When Blue Cross quotes 25% on office visits, this means they pay 75% of the office visit – Hooray – Not so fast: only after you’ve reached your $5000 deductible.  Does this include medications? Is there coverage for medications? Maybe. But only for new ones prescribed. If you’re now taking a cholesterol lowering drug you may not be covered for any or all of the side affects that may occur such as but not limited to . . everything! Or in other words, anything that may happen to your body including and/or mind such as, but not limited to, getting old, cranky, hard of hearing, blind, amnesiatic or insane will automatically disqualify you from a discount on the drug that’s keeping you healthy.

Auto insurance is more forth right: each item you want has a separate fee. You can pick and choose. And the rates are quoted yearly, mainly because they’re so much cheaper than health insurance which, if the companies really want us to feel better should break it down even further, to say, “only $1.66 an hour!” instead of $1,200.00 a month or the amount they don’t dare quote: $14,400 per year.

I think I’ll go into the insurance business, and cover the things that are not covered by life, auto, health or homeowner/renter insurance, such as Shopper’s Insurance.  What woman would not pay premiums to protect herself from impulsive buys?   Just look in your closet, ladies, and see the money you wasted on those boots you’ve never worn and the black pants that fit perfectly but pick up every bit of white lint and cat hair within a three mile radius.  What about that sweater that was on sale that makes you look like a sack of potatoes?  Or the lime-green jersey that shows off your still not-bad breasts but makes your skin look like day old meat?

Or how about Grocery Insurance? Don’t you need protection from all those plastic containers filled with leftovers that seemed so tasty when you cooked them but now are as appetizing as fermented cardboard? That bottle of salad dressing with one serving used, are you going to wait until you faint from sniffing it before you throw it out? With Grocery Insurance you won’t care how much food you waste because you’ll be able to sample everything in the store at a fraction of the cost.  Sure, your premium will be $475 a month (only 66 cents an hour) but think of how fun it will be to buy a bag of Parmesan-Sun-Dried-Tomato-Garlic and Fennel Whole Grain Baked Pita Chips!  You can eat one and then give the rest to the dog.  (Dislaimer: resulting dog farts not covered).

Buying insurance is so depressing! It makes you look at the worst that can happen and then back off toward what probably will happen – you’ll catch a cold, get a rash, strain your back, pick up a bug, find a lump, and eventually just wear out.

Guess I better start looking into death insurance . . .